Portrait for the heavy heart

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.

 

Rainer Maria Rilke

Rekindle

Truly things are worked together for our good. As I'm slowly recovering from my burnout and (legal) drug-induced coma, today I was gifted with a sermon from my pastor. He also happens to be a reckless optimist (I'm so glad I'm not the only one!), and thus endures the bite of disappointment. He reinforced one of the most important truths I've learned in this year's refinement... Jesus Christ. I mean, that's it. Jesus Christ. Really... nothing more needs to be said. I don't need to say Jesus should be your all in all or Jesus will never forsake you or Jesus is your only hope... all of which are true - but when you come to the end of your rope - as far as I've come - you realize very simply... that Jesus Christ is more than sufficient.

I'm not sure that really makes sense... but I'm writing under the influence of lack of sleep and I don't really care how it comes out... I only know that it is vital that it comes out! I read the funniest little YA book yesterday and it helped me come to the same conclusion my pastor made... you cannot live life for success. Writers have an incessant fear that their writing will be misconstrued, imperfect, or just plain unremarkable (horrors!). The book was discussing how you can't know your audience (if you're writing a book) and that in the end... the very act of writing is more important than whether it connects with or impacts the audience. When you're a writer... you need to write - no matter what.

In the same way, when a Christian is tested - literally refined in the fires - she/he believes God whether or not his/her greatest problem is solved. Whether or not your problem is solved - God will be enough. Just because he doesn't solve your immediate problem, doesn't mean He isn't good and He doesn't care. Even if you devote your entire life to stop human trafficking and it doesn't budge the numbers, God will be enough. Even if you lose everything you worked for in a disaster or theft, God will be enough. Even if you give up everything to make your marriage work and it still breaks down, God will be enough. Even if you pray for life, but end up dying, God will be enough. It's not about what He does for us, but who He is.

When life gives you bittersweet...

Make mini oranges! (Is it just me, or does that one in the middle look like an orange?!?!)

Haha. Anyway, the moon has aligned itself and I've turned into a practical werewolf - seeing enemies everywhere and feeling desperately alone. In this particular month, I've decided that laughter really is a weapon of sorts. It fights off bitterness, resentment, and depression quite handily. In fact, I was throwing myself a pity party the other day, and started trying to tell a friend about it, but I can almost never write things as desperately as I feel them, so I made light out of my state of mind, and surprisingly, it made me feel much lighter over all.

I come from a family that gets extremely grumpy on low blood sugar. Thus, it's imperative you have a sense of humor. When the entire side of my mother's family gets together for Christmas, my stress levels top the charts. So we make corny jokes. Once upon a time, there lived a hummer at Meijer. What is a hummer you may ask? One who hums a tuneless tune over and over while bagging your groceries. Well, we took to humming this succinct atonal melody whenever our stress levels were increasing. It was a secret signal for our desperation, and it immediately caused my mom, dad, and I to bust out laughing which would put aside the grumpiness, anger, or stress of the moment. My mom and I also have a code for "I'm getting annoyed". Did you ever read the book "GO DOG GO?" If not, you should run to the library and check it out immediately. It's utterly ridiculous. The best part of the book is this male dog who insists on asking this lady dog whether she likes his hat. Of course, she always slights him with "I do NOT like your hat" until he shows up in a preposterous party hat. So sometimes when my mother and I start to veer toward an argument... or one of us is overly grumpy - the other one will say, "I do NOT like your hat!" which will usually break up the tension, and remind us not to be quite so serious about our grumpiness/stress.

So my advice for the day is - exercise your humor. Find out the things that make you remember to stop taking yourself so seriously. Or if it is a truly serious/tragic situation, remember that it too shall pass. I don't actually think tragedies are the things that get us down. I think it's our attitudes toward them. If you are always determined to find the worst in the situation, how will you ever get out of the worst?

Note:
When I began this blog, I intended it to involve my photography. I started out it out with a picture I took of my adorable niece. Now that I have come back to it, I believe this was a good idea, so I will continue my journey using photos I have taken. This is dangerous because I have no way to protect my work, so I give myself to the arms of the internet, and beg all of you to let me know if my work gets used somewhere else for profit. I don't mind if it's shared or printed for personal enjoyment, but I don't think it would be right for someone else to use it and claim it as their own.