In my absence, little has changed about the way I perceive the world, except that the urgency to find beauty in everything has only increased.
In the extended period of isolation and loneliness that has swallowed me whole and is now digesting me in all its acidity, I hold onto visions of beauty, hope, and fullness.
I've stated so very many times what an awkward stage of life I'm in. On one hand I enjoy the freedom, independence, and flexibility immensely, but oh how I long for stability, constancy, and the feeling of being tethered. I've always been a social creature. It's not that I'm any less social. While it's apparent I run less in large groups, I still see individuals on a surprisingly regular basis, and I still rack my brain to fit people I love into my schedule. But... there is a gaping hole. I don't have someone to fall back on, to drag into random adventures, to vent to, and to solve problems with. At the end of the day, I'm alone.
As a 25 year old with no apparent life-changing events occurring, no marriage, no babies, no FBI job saving the world, no cutting edge research, no memoirs of sharp wit, no marathons runs, no Olympic medals won... it's easy to feel insignificant.
So with no tether, no seeming purpose like family or world changing career (then again I am a nurse), I have to remind myself that my objective was always to know God... not to save the world. I have to learn to live with the longing for more that sometimes threatens to tear me apart, to cozy up to the loneliness that feels like a wall of suffocation, and in everything I have to find beauty and give thanks. It has to be more than obligation, it has to be faith. Giving thanks cannot be a duty, but a window to remember that everything is possible with God and He will never allow you to be stuck, stagnant, dead... at least not forever. There are times we dwell in the darkness with the seed wondering if we will ever see the light of day. February is a great month for brooding on this topic, but I can promise you that as constant as the spring comes, the days lengthen, and the flowers pop up... we will not be left in darkness. Until then, find as much beauty as you can in the frigid, isolating, darkness. Find goodness in the mess. Find the heart of gold under the rough exterior. Find the truth out of the lies. Find the light in the dark - and walk toward it. Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and trust that something more is guiding you.
