Messy

I survived the annual family vacation. It was absolutely exhausting this year. Normally, we spend a few days at a cottage, but also get some time camping. Not so this year. I didn't realize how much I counted on those days completely unlocked from electronic devices (like you don't even have cell service) - where you spend half the trip running, biking, swimming, or hiking, and the other half staring at the forest, playing boggle, and sleeping as soon as the sun disappears. :) Not to mention the fighting and screaming which was often over who got to sit next to/play with me. I seriously need an uncle to balance the equation. Ha. Just kidding. I'm pretty self-sufficient. But I would ask for prayer for my niece and nephew. I found the bible I gave my niece with it's cover completely ripped off. I feel like there's a metaphor somewhere in there. But anyway, they need so much more of the Holy Spirit... and I feel like I'm failing them as a model.

Sometimes I fear I've been erased. Post-college, I worry that I am nothing of the Christ-centered, joyful, encouraging person that I once was. I've been doing one of those life overhauls - like balancing the checkbook, only re-centering the soul. So many things crop up to steal my heart, soul, strength away from God. Honestly, when you're a nurse, you barely have time to eat, so it's hard to cultivate a mind that craves, seeks, and follows God moment by moment. And when that's your lifestyle for so long... combined with a competitive academic life and topped with social media - I feel like a ruin. I just want to curl up in someone's arms who will speak truth and love to me. And I know God is sufficient and he does just that... but sometimes I need the communal reinforcement. I've gotten better at asking for help, but I still feel like a beggar. Many of you have been wonderful, so don't feel like I'm bemoaning you. It's just that women are very rarely allowed to say they need help without sounding needy - and I'm sensitive to that. As an emotional writer, I'm careful to screen almost everything I communicate.

Anyway, as I've been advancing in my scripture reading... I've come to the thought that the bible proves life is horribly messy. It gives me peace to realize that things in this life will simply not be pure. While sin is never admirable, the amount of it in one's life will never be balanced out by holiness. Yes we flee sin, but we are never invincible. In this bloody world, it will catch up with us. The man after God's own heart was a murderer and adulterer. You can do everything right and fail miserably. I've broken from a very legalistic mindset and still struggle to remember this. There is only one way to make it through this life - lean not on your own understanding and trust your life to Jesus. Trust Jesus. Break the bread and remember. Remember.

Love to all,

Katie

Storytime: An excerpt

Perhaps helpful. Perhaps heretical... But I find the truth remains whether you call it magic or miracle. For everyone needs a little bit of impossible.

The day started off as normally as any, but then a gnat flew in from the window. It tormented her at length until suddenly she found she was hoarse from shouting at the enormous THING over her. Somehow the meddlesome memory gnat of hurt had contorted to a gruesome dragon of despair. Its ferocious fire tore at her - trying to strip her down to nothing. She gasped and choked as it poured down her lungs. There was a roaring in her ears and a faint tapping. No wait. Knocking. Was someone at the door? No matter, she couldn’t answer it with a dragon sitting on her. Were her limbs still attached? She sent a cautious thought toward her pinkie. It curled in response. With her last fiber of strength she hurled the dragon away and flung open the door. Her brother stood at the door looking very knightly and very annoyed.

“You know I can’t help you unless you open the barking door!” he howled through the roaring in her ears as he plunged his sword through the dragon’s heart and it shrunk back into a gnat. “And you also know that this is not just a physical door I’m talking about.” he added more gently, tossing the sword away and tucking her into a hug. He pressed his forehead against her and she looked up into his eyes and saw all the love of the world in them. “Goose” he said at last, “You have to learn to ask for help or we’re never going to make it. I can plunge swords into dragons all day. But you have to be able to as well.” He handed her the sword. She shuddered slightly. “I know it’s unwieldy. And I know you want all dragons to be princesses. But the truth is sometimes dragons are dragons. They want only to devour you and they will use every deception to do so.

Damn them!” He broke off viciously; and she started, not at the language, but at the blatancy since he had already done exactly that. Her eyes must have asked the question. “Damned, but free to roam” he growled. Then he shrugged. “I trust Father, and anyway the important thing is getting you trained. You cannot let yourself be overcome.” He shook her gently for emphasis. “And more importantly you do not EVER need to heave off any dragons to get to me. All you need to do is ask and I will be there. Do you understand?”

She looked at him wearily. “I thought I could…” and trailed off.

“Not without truth” She raised the sword at him. He nodded. “If you take to unraveling a lie without it, you will only become more entangled. But if you call upon the truth, you may not even need me” She made a face.

“You are the truth”

He smirked. “Precisely. You’ll have asked me for help without even trying”

“You’re impossible”

“Indubitably” he said slyly.

“Do you always have to have the last word?”

“Well, I was the first W…”

“Don’t even!” She cut him off and started to stomp away. “Impossible!”  

“Everyone needs the impossible” he said quietly. And though she huffed, she had to admit he was right.

“Fine! You win. You win every time. You cheated death. You stomped on the father of all dragons. I concede!” But her fierce grin belayed the crabbiness of the words.

For life might be full of dragons. But it was not without hope, truth, or a Savior of a brother who defied impossibility.

Scholarly ramblings about grace

On Thanksgiving, my pastor, being the pastor he is, always brings up the joy of giving. I'm pretty sure one year he pulled up some scientific studies about awesome health benefits from giving - things you can measure by looking at a brain MRI (which somehow makes me giggle... probably the doctoral student in me) Anyway, this Thanksgiving he offered to fill in the role for spiritual guidance for a few people. My starving heart capered about in great joy as I very timidly asked if I could be one of those people. I hate asking for things... not because I think it will make me look weak... but because I usually don't think I deserve them. But I dove off the cliff for this one because I could seriously feel myself wasting away and intuition/the Holy Spirit were beckoning. For 3-4 years I've been battered about between license and legalism, and I knew I needed some roots... back into the life of God I used to flourish in.

I blubbered through the first call. It's been so long since I've had anyone spiritually available to minister to me... all I wanted to do was cry in relief. Thankfully I had a terrible cold, so I hoped my poor pastor attributed most of my sniveling to that effect. I tried to pile things into a plan so that I would stay on track. *Cue Mulan soundtrack... Let's get down to business! Luckily it's my pastor we're talking about. That's why I entrusted him with being the guide to plug me back into the life of God. He gave me the verse "Are you tired, worn out, burned out from religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. (I felt like shouting with joy after that one verse) and it continued... "I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." So he left me to ask myself, "What would it look like to take a real rest?" and "What practices if any would help you enter into the unforced rhythms of grace?" with a side admonition of "It should be something that sounds sort of fun, if not outright fun!"

The next call he managed to convince me to read a fantasy book every day as sort of a spiritual discipline and left me to meditate on John 1:1-18. Here was my brainblurb. "Word is cerebral, but grace is spirit/soulish. And grace came first, but through the Word. So Word is grace and came first, and Jesus is grace and truth. We worship in spirit and truth. Grace may come through the spirit. Jesus had the Holy Spirit on him (later verses in John). Perhaps we best experience grace through the Holy Spirit? But what does it look like practically? We follow some general guidelines for being shalomy, and trust the Spirit will enter and fill in the rest of the space with spontaneous grace and fullness? What does grace mean again in the Greek? Isn't it related to thanksgiving and charis deo... something Ann Voskamp wrote about?

"Charis" from graciousness (as gratifying) of manner or act (esp the divine influence upon the heart and its reflection the life including gratitude) God's tender sense of our misery (and here I dissolved into tears again) displays itself in his efforts to lessen and entirely remove it - efforts that are hindered and defeated only by man's continued perverseness. Grace removes guilt. Mercy removes misery. It has various uses "that which bestows or occasions pleasure, delight, or causes favorable regard"

What I remember most about the life I lived before the Zoloft debacle, before feeling like I had to constantly perform to fit in, before I wondered if it was better to fast and be miserable but be doing the "right thing" or to not fast and be miserable out of guilt that I wasn't doing anything to be closer to God like everyone else... is that I was happy with myself and I caused a lot of happiness. I think that I was born full of grace. To put it more humbly, I'm pretty certain God dumped the gift of grace on me as an infant. Even my Korean name Eunjee has grace in it! I bestowed a lot of pleasure and delight as an baby without ever trying to. My mom always had women at the grocery store coming up to her and wanting to hold me. I posted a picture of little me on facebook on a whim for "TBT" or "throw back Thursday" and I was completely astounded that I got over 60 likes. I was less surprised when I realized its because everyone needs more grace... more delight and less misery.

Anyway, this long haul to say... grace is probably more than you think it is. There is a richness missing from the traditional churchy understanding of grace. I wish everyone could share in it's truth. God tenderly senses our misery... ironically often caused by trying to please him or getting caught up in the religion of trying to do right by him... and he wants to entirely remove it! It's personal. It's mindboggling. God cares! And God is active. And God is delightful.

Please believe it.

No perfect people...

Nobody really gets it right.

I think that social media makes us think that some of us do.

But it's not true.

It's a lie.

And you know what? I really don't like the father of lies...

So I really wish you would put down your phone and computer and twitter, and facebook, and blogging, and magazines, and do two things

1) Stop comparing yourself
2) Visit someone in the flesh

Putting down all that paraphernalia is not the goal... let's not become legalistic about this and suffer under Pontius Lent (season I most hate)

The point is to get away from the things which the father of lies will easily twist into using against you.

Visiting someone in the flesh does a few things. It allows someone to know that you care about them enough to come see them. It also allows you to see their very unphotoshopped, unmadeup, crazy looking personhood and (most likely messy) surroundings. And it facilitates the real trappings of relationships... asking the hard questions, getting to the bottom of communication problems, stopping the addictions, getting constructive criticism without feeling under attack, actualizing world change, truly inquiring about someone's mental state.. etc. etc. etc.

My church's motto is this:

No Perfect People Allowed

It's a good reminder. Messiness is a prerequisite. Brokenness a gift.

Don't let the sunshine blind you. I'm a pretty flawed person. You get the beautiful and inspired thoughts most of the time... but they bleed from a broken and contrite heart which will forever be a sacrifice pleasing to God.

Bleeding hearts

The student update

Hullo!

I've been neglecting this blog terribly... as I tend to do. I go in spurts. I feel bad for the people who do come back... especially the ones I referred from my Lenten blog. It's hard for me to do too much writing because I'm in school. Therefore, I'm going to do two things. 1) I'm posting an email I sent a few weeks ago - so the people who read this blog that aren't my friends will have something new to look at (sorry if you're my friend you've probably already read the email) And 2) I'm going to refer to you my alter ego... at http://flawsonmysleeve.blogspot.com

Peace my loves!

Infectious Joy

I was talking to a lovely friend who sent me this picture...which I should probably credit to Tom Hiddleston who posted on his twitter... because that will make half of you (the female half) grin even more.

Be so happy that when others see you they become happy

It reminded me of a small but profound insight I had completely forgotten (yet again - I'm sure I've come to this epiphany multiple times before). When I was a small child, I was REALLY HAPPY. Almost nothing fazed me and people just wanted to be around me (according to my mother). I retained that quality of optimism and joy for quite a while.... but somewhere in the mix I got derailed completely. At some point, life became a wild mix of trying to make everyone else happy and change the world. I still wanted to affect people positively, but it was complicated with how to best serve them, where to give my money, what causes to support, how to act in order to make everyone happy etc. I forgot that the secret to making people happy - is to BE HAPPY YOURSELF! Part of the power of thanksgiving and joy in Christianity - is the fact that people are drawn to and transformed by joyous people. It's kind of like Martha and Mary - only applied broadly. Jesus didn't need Martha stressing about how best to serve him - he needed MARTHA. And so it is with other people. I think sometimes we can best serve others by simply being content and joyful.

This is NOT to say you can't be sad or shouldn't be concerned about the world's problems. But with the news, the internet, and social media, I think it's ten times easier to take a heavier burden on yourself than God intended. After all, he promised a light and easy yoke! So it's my personal goal to worry less about the world's problems/evil and dwell more on God's goodness in specific ways... like how the sycamore tree causes the sun to be dappled in the morning, or how achingly wonderful the strings are in a particular song, or the strength in my legs as I run, or even silly things like the fact Tom Hiddleston posts memes like that on his twitter (and I don't even like him!) Hahaha. For we are to think on the things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, and excellent. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone was doing likewise?!

Joyfully yours,

Katie

Renaming required

I'm thinking of changing the blog name to "Splashes of Sunshine". It struck me today that slices are measurable and meted out... but splashes are an excess of overflow and quite unrestrained. Lately it's become rather important to me that things be uncontainable. So many of our problems come from trying to measure our worth, hoard our good things, harness the power, control the gods, etc. The more than I grow closer to the creator of the universe - the more I realize how unbounded He is and what that means. It means I can never reach the end of his love or grace or patience. It means there are no insignificant details he doesn't see. It means he wants joy and goodness for me that will have no ceasing. He doesn't get bored or tired or grumpy and I'm sometimes sure the world and me could drive him there quickly. It means he wants me to see the world with endless wonder, not cynicism. It means I don't need to worry about being wise or making a name for myself. I don't have to be on the cutting edge of discovery or writing consistently in this blog to be influential. Sometimes it seems to me the wiser people try to be, the unhappier they become - either because of the competition or the endless need to be someone Great. The best thing about being a child of God... is rest... from the need to be anything but oneself... even if that person is small, "boring", and "unimportant" in the mechanisms of the grand world. Children, before they are sullied, are completely happy with themselves and enjoy the world without regard to making meaning. While children may look foolish, they never feel foolish unless they are made to feel so. To be a child - is to do things boldly without worrying how it appears and whether it will be significant. Perhaps the most foolish thing to do - is to try to make meaning out of one's life.

Find beauty

In my absence, little has changed about the way I perceive the world, except that the urgency to find beauty in everything has only increased.

In the extended period of isolation and loneliness that has swallowed me whole and is now digesting me in all its acidity, I hold onto visions of beauty, hope, and fullness.

I've stated so very many times what an awkward stage of life I'm in. On one hand I enjoy the freedom, independence, and flexibility immensely, but oh how I long for stability, constancy, and the feeling of being tethered. I've always been a social creature. It's not that I'm any less social. While it's apparent I run less in large groups, I still see individuals on a surprisingly regular basis, and I still rack my brain to fit people I love into my schedule. But... there is a gaping hole. I don't have someone to fall back on, to drag into random adventures, to vent to, and to solve problems with. At the end of the day, I'm alone.

As a 25 year old with no apparent life-changing events occurring, no marriage, no babies, no FBI job saving the world, no cutting edge research, no memoirs of sharp wit, no marathons runs, no Olympic medals won... it's easy to feel insignificant.

So with no tether, no seeming purpose like family or world changing career (then again I am a nurse), I have to remind myself that my objective was always to know God... not to save the world. I have to learn to live with the longing for more that sometimes threatens to tear me apart, to cozy up to the loneliness that feels like a wall of suffocation, and in everything I have to find beauty and give thanks. It has to be more than obligation, it has to be faith. Giving thanks cannot be a duty, but a window to remember that everything is possible with God and He will never allow you to be stuck, stagnant, dead... at least not forever. There are times we dwell in the darkness with the seed wondering if we will ever see the light of day. February is a great month for brooding on this topic, but I can promise you that as constant as the spring comes, the days lengthen, and the flowers pop up... we will not be left in darkness. Until then, find as much beauty as you can in the frigid, isolating, darkness. Find goodness in the mess. Find the heart of gold under the rough exterior. Find the truth out of the lies. Find the light in the dark - and walk toward it. Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and trust that something more is guiding you.

Serenity

I should be in bed, but I'm convicted of a truth that needs to be shouted from the mountain tops. YOU ARE WONDERFUL!

There's this mentality in Christianity that you are a work in progress (true), but more so - that you need to be constantly worrying about doing better, seeking God more, giving more away, having better quiet times, being more thoughtful about how you spend your time. There's another mentality that to be pleased with yourself is to be arrogant or selfish. I think that the two mentalities get all twisted up with very disastrous results. Everyone ends up obsessing over themselves in a maximally stressful mindset. Reasons why this I find this horribly disturbing?

First of all, if you can't see the good in yourself and you're always worrying about self-improvement, you are going to bring that into your relationships with others. This is NOT attractive or life-giving. I'm usually exhausted just being in the presence of these type of people.

In the second place, it isn't your responsibility to perfect you. You are God's masterpiece - His work in progress. Therefore, it's ultimately His responsibility to make you everything you were first dreamed (by Him) to be. This isn't to excuse you from all responsibility - Paul did say to aim for perfection. But he certainly didn't say "obsess over perfection" and I distinctly remember Jesus saying "Do not worry" and I see a lot of Christians worrying about how they're doing in their walk with Christ. It's distressing to me because it doesn't display the sense of serenity and life-to-the-full that Christ emulated. You are responsible for one thing - how you choose to trust and believe God. Do you believe He'll get you to where He wants you? Then live life and wait for His correction. It comes differently for different people. The problem lies in when we try to standardize what works for us onto everyone else. Maybe you need to have more consistent quiet times in order to find more life, but maybe someone else needs to stop having legalistic quiet times in order to learn that God has the grace to speak to them at any point in their daily living - not just a specific time. The point is never condemnation - but freedom and life in Christ. Someone recently shared another blog post on facebook about how God simply enjoys watching us be ourselves.

I think that author was getting at the same idea. It's not about what you can do that pleases the Lord - it's about who you are. And He created you as you are - so of course He finds that delightful! So please be glad and rejoice in the good person that God made you. Deep down - we all have particular things we are pleased about in ourselves. Enjoy those things. I promise that the joy you display will draw others to you more quickly than any display of personal improvement!

May you enjoy God's delight over you today

Free verse: Freely give

I miss you

So much so that

Yellow isolation gowns

Become my only comfort

Slipping on the sleeves

I close my eyes

Pretend

Your arms are wrapping me

Into that safe place

Where I know

Beyond a shadow

Of doubt

That

I

Am

Cherished

So know that when

I push you away

It’s because I care too much

Not because

I care so little

Or because

Of you

No

I love you

So much so that

I will hide my love away

Pack it tightly where

There is no

Air

And while

My heart starves

While my skin blanches

And I grow

Thin

I will know

That you are free to live

This life you chose

And it will give

Me joy

So

This is love

That you would give your

Life, hope, dreams,

For another

Person

 

Portrait for the heavy heart

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.

 

Rainer Maria Rilke

Rekindle

Truly things are worked together for our good. As I'm slowly recovering from my burnout and (legal) drug-induced coma, today I was gifted with a sermon from my pastor. He also happens to be a reckless optimist (I'm so glad I'm not the only one!), and thus endures the bite of disappointment. He reinforced one of the most important truths I've learned in this year's refinement... Jesus Christ. I mean, that's it. Jesus Christ. Really... nothing more needs to be said. I don't need to say Jesus should be your all in all or Jesus will never forsake you or Jesus is your only hope... all of which are true - but when you come to the end of your rope - as far as I've come - you realize very simply... that Jesus Christ is more than sufficient.

I'm not sure that really makes sense... but I'm writing under the influence of lack of sleep and I don't really care how it comes out... I only know that it is vital that it comes out! I read the funniest little YA book yesterday and it helped me come to the same conclusion my pastor made... you cannot live life for success. Writers have an incessant fear that their writing will be misconstrued, imperfect, or just plain unremarkable (horrors!). The book was discussing how you can't know your audience (if you're writing a book) and that in the end... the very act of writing is more important than whether it connects with or impacts the audience. When you're a writer... you need to write - no matter what.

In the same way, when a Christian is tested - literally refined in the fires - she/he believes God whether or not his/her greatest problem is solved. Whether or not your problem is solved - God will be enough. Just because he doesn't solve your immediate problem, doesn't mean He isn't good and He doesn't care. Even if you devote your entire life to stop human trafficking and it doesn't budge the numbers, God will be enough. Even if you lose everything you worked for in a disaster or theft, God will be enough. Even if you give up everything to make your marriage work and it still breaks down, God will be enough. Even if you pray for life, but end up dying, God will be enough. It's not about what He does for us, but who He is.

When life gives you bittersweet...

Make mini oranges! (Is it just me, or does that one in the middle look like an orange?!?!)

Haha. Anyway, the moon has aligned itself and I've turned into a practical werewolf - seeing enemies everywhere and feeling desperately alone. In this particular month, I've decided that laughter really is a weapon of sorts. It fights off bitterness, resentment, and depression quite handily. In fact, I was throwing myself a pity party the other day, and started trying to tell a friend about it, but I can almost never write things as desperately as I feel them, so I made light out of my state of mind, and surprisingly, it made me feel much lighter over all.

I come from a family that gets extremely grumpy on low blood sugar. Thus, it's imperative you have a sense of humor. When the entire side of my mother's family gets together for Christmas, my stress levels top the charts. So we make corny jokes. Once upon a time, there lived a hummer at Meijer. What is a hummer you may ask? One who hums a tuneless tune over and over while bagging your groceries. Well, we took to humming this succinct atonal melody whenever our stress levels were increasing. It was a secret signal for our desperation, and it immediately caused my mom, dad, and I to bust out laughing which would put aside the grumpiness, anger, or stress of the moment. My mom and I also have a code for "I'm getting annoyed". Did you ever read the book "GO DOG GO?" If not, you should run to the library and check it out immediately. It's utterly ridiculous. The best part of the book is this male dog who insists on asking this lady dog whether she likes his hat. Of course, she always slights him with "I do NOT like your hat" until he shows up in a preposterous party hat. So sometimes when my mother and I start to veer toward an argument... or one of us is overly grumpy - the other one will say, "I do NOT like your hat!" which will usually break up the tension, and remind us not to be quite so serious about our grumpiness/stress.

So my advice for the day is - exercise your humor. Find out the things that make you remember to stop taking yourself so seriously. Or if it is a truly serious/tragic situation, remember that it too shall pass. I don't actually think tragedies are the things that get us down. I think it's our attitudes toward them. If you are always determined to find the worst in the situation, how will you ever get out of the worst?

Note:
When I began this blog, I intended it to involve my photography. I started out it out with a picture I took of my adorable niece. Now that I have come back to it, I believe this was a good idea, so I will continue my journey using photos I have taken. This is dangerous because I have no way to protect my work, so I give myself to the arms of the internet, and beg all of you to let me know if my work gets used somewhere else for profit. I don't mind if it's shared or printed for personal enjoyment, but I don't think it would be right for someone else to use it and claim it as their own.

Tchiyah

It's been three months since I last wrote in this blog. I know I said I wouldn't sign off permanently, so here I am. I'm not exactly whole yet, but I'm less in smithereens and mostly in pieces that are starting to assemble together. I don't have anything brilliant to say, probably because it's 12:35 in the morning. Obscene. I should really be in bed.... especially since I've been sick.

It's taken getting physically sick, for me to realize I need to start over in a big way. I love the little resurrections in life. When you're a Christian, you learn that rebirth is necessary almost every morning... just as God's mercies come. I've been so wrapped up in survival, accomplishment, and my own misery, that I've forgotten to let go and enjoy what's before me. So here's to a new day.

Now I'm off to bed. More coming.

Stop and Stare

I cried so hard on the way home from church today, that someone honked at the man in the car next to me, because he was so concerned he missed the green light.

I just tried to run 6 miles on a cup of coffee and some fruit snacks.

Finals are over. Thank God.

I still haven't found my wallet. So I have cancelled everything and await for my life to get sent back to me.

I have three days to save my life.

Step 1: I took a knife to my pills. In order to prevent more problems, I've finally cut my pills into smaller pieces so I can actually discontinue it properly. The abrupt discontinuation I keep doing makes me suicidal. It's exhausting fending off every possible things as a means of demise. Beautiful pond... water to drown in. Car going down the street... vehicle to get smushed by. Etc. That's the abrupt discontinuation. Obviously not good. I don't think I'm actually that depressed. I think the pills make everything exponentially worse... or at least my refusal to take them regularly. So the best thing is to get rid of them and focus on cognitive therapy and healing prayer.

Step 2: Stop hiding behind service. I'm desperately trying to stop hiding behind the baby, the dishes, the cookies... and socialize. It's terrifying.

Step 3: Don't take it personally. It's exhausting trying to maintain relationships when people are so busy. They usually don't have time for you and then it's easy to think they could care less if you offed yourself. But it's not personal. It's just life. The communities that are supposed to be carrying your burdens but aren't? It's not because you're too much, you're problems are too big and scary, you're a mess up... they're just human and busy. Never depend on the people who are supposed to care for you anyway... only depend on the Lord because He won't ever let you down.

Step 4: Prioritize. This hasn't happened yet, but it's GOING to happen. I have too many things in my garden, so I'm going to weed.... ruthlessly. Social life? Out the door. Marriage? Not a possibility. Volunteering? Who needs good works if you're dead? It's going to be work, school, family, oldest friends/people who actually attempt to contact me.

 Step 5: Grieve. I'm in the process. I think I just passed out of denial into anger...bargaining is long gone though... I'm probably in depression. That might explain all the tears. No... that was probably the zoloft... or lack of.

Step 6: Love yourself (and not just because you feel like no one else is going to). I am my best advocate. I must sleep, eat, exercise and recite love notes to myself. Besides, I'm not any use to the Lord or the world if I'm half dead with grief and exhaustion.

That wasn't very sunshiny was it? Well. I've been thinking about seeds and dying. Sometimes it feels like one will be stuck in the dark forever. I imagine seeds feel that way... if they feel. Months of not seeing any progress. But something is being done. Eventually life breaks through.

Signing off,
But not permanently!
Fighter

Cancer

Holo...

That is my favorite greeting... for some strange reason. Anyway, I'm at home... having the usual arguments with my mother. I'm trying not to let myself spiral into self-deprecation and while thinking hard (like Pooh) I've come up with an interesting image. I have certain issues... and sometimes it feels like she's digging around at them which hurts... so I run away.

However, I'm curious if I took a scapel to myself what I would come up with. I think it might be cancer. It runs pretty deep and it spreads to all parts of me. It originally started out with good parts of me... but then began to multiply out of control. Now it's pretty ugly. I don't have the first clue how to disentangle myself from it... or where it orginated. I think need a miracle. Only Jesus can figure it out and clean me up. Only his blood can make me pure. Not sure how... but am absolutely sure I need to rely on Him.

Spiritual ADD

Lately, I've been seeing Jesus giving me universal "keep your eyes fixed on me" two fingers flipping back and forth between his eyes and mine. Every time I hear His voice, I turn to look at Him and for one shining moment the opera chorus swells and I feel like everything is going to work out, but then I'm like SQUIRREL... or in this case CHIPMUNK. And as soon as I take my eyes of Him, I start getting overwhelemed or depressed.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer says this:
Who is pure in heart? Only those who have completely given their hearts to Jesus, so that he alone rules in them. Only those who do not stain their hearts with their own evil, but also not with their own good. A pure heart is the simple heart of a child, who does not know about good and evil, the heart of Adam before the fall, the heart in which the will of Jesus rules instead of one’s own conscience.… A pure heart is pure of good and evil; it belongs entirely and undivided to Christ; it looks only to him, who goes on ahead. Those alone will see God who in this life have looked only to Jesus Christ, the Son of God. Their hearts are free of defiling images; they are not pulled back and forth by the various wishes and intentions of their own. Their hearts are fully absorbed in seeing God. They will see God whose hearts mirror the image of Jesus Christ.

As I've been struggling through the rough seas this season, I've been considering the root of my problems. I struggle with three main things which all tie together: rejection, loss/abandoment, and self-esteem/worth. Basically, I've found if that I look anywhere but to the Lord for my identity, these three things rear their heads. There are many voices which speak to you every day. It is important to choose who you listen to carefully. When I am distracted by other voices, I hear things like "you have to keep up the good work, God wants you to make a difference, you're not doing enough for the kingdom, you're not a good person, you're a failure at relationships..." When you listen too long to the wrong voices, you allow a pattern to occur which will bring you down. You're thoughts are powerful. "The difference between a guilt-ridden Christian and a light-hearted and joyful Christian is often one simple thing... what they are thinking about" (Robert L). If I keep my heart fixed on Jesus and listen for his voice, I will grow to know his voice (John 10:27), and if I know his voice... I will know the truth. And if I know the truth- I will be set free from feelings of depression, rejection, abandonment, worthlessness. I will not worry about whether I am doing the right thing or whether I'm a good person... I will simply see the will of Jesus and follow Him. So here's to breaking spiritual ADD, blocking out distracting voices, fixing my eyes upon Him whom everything rests, and finding the contentment of a child therein.

Because E. Barrett Browning says it Best

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways 
I love thee with a quiet solitude
To not deter a greater Love pursued
A silence I will keep for all my days
I love thee to the height of sacrifice
And unrequited love the painful price
Most joyfully I pay, as it outweighs
That tomb of selfish safety – what a wraith
I love thee freely, with no thought to hold 
I love thee purely, childlike in faith 
I love thee with a fearsome strength untold
With hope that when I give my final breath 
I shall but love thee better after death

Choose Joy

The desert and the parched land will be glad

the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.

Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.

Isaiah 35: 1-2

 

 

 

Greetings Beloved!

I adore Spring. Even though Fall is ultimately my favorite season, Spring is probably the season that keeps me alive. I think everyone in Michigan struggles with seasonal affective disorder whether they realize it or not. However, I wouldn't trade winter for anything; for it is in the darkness that we see the light. The darker the winter is - the greater joy we have in spring. Seasons remind me that God sometimes guides us into a wilderness as He did with the Israelites.... AND that the wilderness is only temporary. The thing about dark times, it that time tends to move like molasses. Even if you manage to keep hope that there will be an end, you can go crazy waiting for that end. That's why joy and gratitude are so essential in a Christian's life. They are what give light to a broken and cynical world.

Yet, how do we cultivate a joyful life in dark times?

1) Practice rememberance: In Psalm 42:6, David declares "My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you." This is an incredibly insightful and encouraging soundbyte from God. In the first place, it reveals that there will be times when we will be downcast even disturbed! In the second place, it shows us one simple thing to do: Remember God. In the previous verse (4), David recalls going unto the house of the Lord with shouts of joy. It is helpful to remember the constancy of the Lord and to call upon his name - to arouse his power. God encourages us to interact with him in the dark and remembrance strengthens are ability to hear his voice of light amidst the dark.

2) Give thanks in all circumstances: Find the rose growing up through the pavement. Look for the glitter among the broken glass. Use the step above to remember the faithfulness and goodness of the Lord in the past and give thanks for that. If you sit and wallow in the current things that have gone wrong or throw a pity party - you will not be able to hear the voice of hope. When you give thanks, you open your heart to the truth of the Lord which will give you the endurance to keep going on. That is how you run with wings like the eagle.

May you be glad and rejoice in this day that the Lord has made no matter what circumstance you are facing! His love is better than life.

Spiritual Combat

Facing Down the Dragons/Demons

When you battle with depression, it can really feel like this. Even when the sun is shining, the smallest thing can dredge up a dragon. Sometimes you are literally battling for your life. My own mother says I'm overdramatic, but I can tell you... the devil has it out for you. Now you can believe the people who say you're being overdramatic and throw a pity party or you can fight. I prefer fighting myself... but then I'm an action kinda girl. Here's my advice on prepping for hand-to-hand combat with a demon.

Train hard. You will not survive if you don't practice. So...

1. Hydrate - Pray at all times, in all seasons, constantly. All it means is stay in contact with God. Wake listening for him. Yell at him. Ask him questions. Praise him. The Holy Spirit will flow into you.
2. Exercise is key. It provides time for the Holy Spirit to speak to you, provides endorphins to protect your emotional state, gets you out of doors in fresh air, and keeps you in physical condition .
3. Sharpen your sword - I don't care what you read, how much you read, whether you understand what you read... if you don't keep it... what use is a blunt sword for killing a dragon/demon?
4. Use your armor. Get that belt of truth on... don't let Satan get the drop on embarressment, shame, or guilt through his lies. Put up that shield of faith. There is nothing that can get to you but what God allows... and what God allows He will provide you the strength to cut down (provided you remembered to sharpen your sword... see 3). Guard your heart with rightness.
5. In all things love.