Portrait for the heavy heart

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.

 

Rainer Maria Rilke

Rekindle

Truly things are worked together for our good. As I'm slowly recovering from my burnout and (legal) drug-induced coma, today I was gifted with a sermon from my pastor. He also happens to be a reckless optimist (I'm so glad I'm not the only one!), and thus endures the bite of disappointment. He reinforced one of the most important truths I've learned in this year's refinement... Jesus Christ. I mean, that's it. Jesus Christ. Really... nothing more needs to be said. I don't need to say Jesus should be your all in all or Jesus will never forsake you or Jesus is your only hope... all of which are true - but when you come to the end of your rope - as far as I've come - you realize very simply... that Jesus Christ is more than sufficient.

I'm not sure that really makes sense... but I'm writing under the influence of lack of sleep and I don't really care how it comes out... I only know that it is vital that it comes out! I read the funniest little YA book yesterday and it helped me come to the same conclusion my pastor made... you cannot live life for success. Writers have an incessant fear that their writing will be misconstrued, imperfect, or just plain unremarkable (horrors!). The book was discussing how you can't know your audience (if you're writing a book) and that in the end... the very act of writing is more important than whether it connects with or impacts the audience. When you're a writer... you need to write - no matter what.

In the same way, when a Christian is tested - literally refined in the fires - she/he believes God whether or not his/her greatest problem is solved. Whether or not your problem is solved - God will be enough. Just because he doesn't solve your immediate problem, doesn't mean He isn't good and He doesn't care. Even if you devote your entire life to stop human trafficking and it doesn't budge the numbers, God will be enough. Even if you lose everything you worked for in a disaster or theft, God will be enough. Even if you give up everything to make your marriage work and it still breaks down, God will be enough. Even if you pray for life, but end up dying, God will be enough. It's not about what He does for us, but who He is.

When life gives you bittersweet...

Make mini oranges! (Is it just me, or does that one in the middle look like an orange?!?!)

Haha. Anyway, the moon has aligned itself and I've turned into a practical werewolf - seeing enemies everywhere and feeling desperately alone. In this particular month, I've decided that laughter really is a weapon of sorts. It fights off bitterness, resentment, and depression quite handily. In fact, I was throwing myself a pity party the other day, and started trying to tell a friend about it, but I can almost never write things as desperately as I feel them, so I made light out of my state of mind, and surprisingly, it made me feel much lighter over all.

I come from a family that gets extremely grumpy on low blood sugar. Thus, it's imperative you have a sense of humor. When the entire side of my mother's family gets together for Christmas, my stress levels top the charts. So we make corny jokes. Once upon a time, there lived a hummer at Meijer. What is a hummer you may ask? One who hums a tuneless tune over and over while bagging your groceries. Well, we took to humming this succinct atonal melody whenever our stress levels were increasing. It was a secret signal for our desperation, and it immediately caused my mom, dad, and I to bust out laughing which would put aside the grumpiness, anger, or stress of the moment. My mom and I also have a code for "I'm getting annoyed". Did you ever read the book "GO DOG GO?" If not, you should run to the library and check it out immediately. It's utterly ridiculous. The best part of the book is this male dog who insists on asking this lady dog whether she likes his hat. Of course, she always slights him with "I do NOT like your hat" until he shows up in a preposterous party hat. So sometimes when my mother and I start to veer toward an argument... or one of us is overly grumpy - the other one will say, "I do NOT like your hat!" which will usually break up the tension, and remind us not to be quite so serious about our grumpiness/stress.

So my advice for the day is - exercise your humor. Find out the things that make you remember to stop taking yourself so seriously. Or if it is a truly serious/tragic situation, remember that it too shall pass. I don't actually think tragedies are the things that get us down. I think it's our attitudes toward them. If you are always determined to find the worst in the situation, how will you ever get out of the worst?

Note:
When I began this blog, I intended it to involve my photography. I started out it out with a picture I took of my adorable niece. Now that I have come back to it, I believe this was a good idea, so I will continue my journey using photos I have taken. This is dangerous because I have no way to protect my work, so I give myself to the arms of the internet, and beg all of you to let me know if my work gets used somewhere else for profit. I don't mind if it's shared or printed for personal enjoyment, but I don't think it would be right for someone else to use it and claim it as their own.

Tchiyah

It's been three months since I last wrote in this blog. I know I said I wouldn't sign off permanently, so here I am. I'm not exactly whole yet, but I'm less in smithereens and mostly in pieces that are starting to assemble together. I don't have anything brilliant to say, probably because it's 12:35 in the morning. Obscene. I should really be in bed.... especially since I've been sick.

It's taken getting physically sick, for me to realize I need to start over in a big way. I love the little resurrections in life. When you're a Christian, you learn that rebirth is necessary almost every morning... just as God's mercies come. I've been so wrapped up in survival, accomplishment, and my own misery, that I've forgotten to let go and enjoy what's before me. So here's to a new day.

Now I'm off to bed. More coming.

Stop and Stare

I cried so hard on the way home from church today, that someone honked at the man in the car next to me, because he was so concerned he missed the green light.

I just tried to run 6 miles on a cup of coffee and some fruit snacks.

Finals are over. Thank God.

I still haven't found my wallet. So I have cancelled everything and await for my life to get sent back to me.

I have three days to save my life.

Step 1: I took a knife to my pills. In order to prevent more problems, I've finally cut my pills into smaller pieces so I can actually discontinue it properly. The abrupt discontinuation I keep doing makes me suicidal. It's exhausting fending off every possible things as a means of demise. Beautiful pond... water to drown in. Car going down the street... vehicle to get smushed by. Etc. That's the abrupt discontinuation. Obviously not good. I don't think I'm actually that depressed. I think the pills make everything exponentially worse... or at least my refusal to take them regularly. So the best thing is to get rid of them and focus on cognitive therapy and healing prayer.

Step 2: Stop hiding behind service. I'm desperately trying to stop hiding behind the baby, the dishes, the cookies... and socialize. It's terrifying.

Step 3: Don't take it personally. It's exhausting trying to maintain relationships when people are so busy. They usually don't have time for you and then it's easy to think they could care less if you offed yourself. But it's not personal. It's just life. The communities that are supposed to be carrying your burdens but aren't? It's not because you're too much, you're problems are too big and scary, you're a mess up... they're just human and busy. Never depend on the people who are supposed to care for you anyway... only depend on the Lord because He won't ever let you down.

Step 4: Prioritize. This hasn't happened yet, but it's GOING to happen. I have too many things in my garden, so I'm going to weed.... ruthlessly. Social life? Out the door. Marriage? Not a possibility. Volunteering? Who needs good works if you're dead? It's going to be work, school, family, oldest friends/people who actually attempt to contact me.

 Step 5: Grieve. I'm in the process. I think I just passed out of denial into anger...bargaining is long gone though... I'm probably in depression. That might explain all the tears. No... that was probably the zoloft... or lack of.

Step 6: Love yourself (and not just because you feel like no one else is going to). I am my best advocate. I must sleep, eat, exercise and recite love notes to myself. Besides, I'm not any use to the Lord or the world if I'm half dead with grief and exhaustion.

That wasn't very sunshiny was it? Well. I've been thinking about seeds and dying. Sometimes it feels like one will be stuck in the dark forever. I imagine seeds feel that way... if they feel. Months of not seeing any progress. But something is being done. Eventually life breaks through.

Signing off,
But not permanently!
Fighter

Cancer

Holo...

That is my favorite greeting... for some strange reason. Anyway, I'm at home... having the usual arguments with my mother. I'm trying not to let myself spiral into self-deprecation and while thinking hard (like Pooh) I've come up with an interesting image. I have certain issues... and sometimes it feels like she's digging around at them which hurts... so I run away.

However, I'm curious if I took a scapel to myself what I would come up with. I think it might be cancer. It runs pretty deep and it spreads to all parts of me. It originally started out with good parts of me... but then began to multiply out of control. Now it's pretty ugly. I don't have the first clue how to disentangle myself from it... or where it orginated. I think need a miracle. Only Jesus can figure it out and clean me up. Only his blood can make me pure. Not sure how... but am absolutely sure I need to rely on Him.

Spiritual ADD

Lately, I've been seeing Jesus giving me universal "keep your eyes fixed on me" two fingers flipping back and forth between his eyes and mine. Every time I hear His voice, I turn to look at Him and for one shining moment the opera chorus swells and I feel like everything is going to work out, but then I'm like SQUIRREL... or in this case CHIPMUNK. And as soon as I take my eyes of Him, I start getting overwhelemed or depressed.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer says this:
Who is pure in heart? Only those who have completely given their hearts to Jesus, so that he alone rules in them. Only those who do not stain their hearts with their own evil, but also not with their own good. A pure heart is the simple heart of a child, who does not know about good and evil, the heart of Adam before the fall, the heart in which the will of Jesus rules instead of one’s own conscience.… A pure heart is pure of good and evil; it belongs entirely and undivided to Christ; it looks only to him, who goes on ahead. Those alone will see God who in this life have looked only to Jesus Christ, the Son of God. Their hearts are free of defiling images; they are not pulled back and forth by the various wishes and intentions of their own. Their hearts are fully absorbed in seeing God. They will see God whose hearts mirror the image of Jesus Christ.

As I've been struggling through the rough seas this season, I've been considering the root of my problems. I struggle with three main things which all tie together: rejection, loss/abandoment, and self-esteem/worth. Basically, I've found if that I look anywhere but to the Lord for my identity, these three things rear their heads. There are many voices which speak to you every day. It is important to choose who you listen to carefully. When I am distracted by other voices, I hear things like "you have to keep up the good work, God wants you to make a difference, you're not doing enough for the kingdom, you're not a good person, you're a failure at relationships..." When you listen too long to the wrong voices, you allow a pattern to occur which will bring you down. You're thoughts are powerful. "The difference between a guilt-ridden Christian and a light-hearted and joyful Christian is often one simple thing... what they are thinking about" (Robert L). If I keep my heart fixed on Jesus and listen for his voice, I will grow to know his voice (John 10:27), and if I know his voice... I will know the truth. And if I know the truth- I will be set free from feelings of depression, rejection, abandonment, worthlessness. I will not worry about whether I am doing the right thing or whether I'm a good person... I will simply see the will of Jesus and follow Him. So here's to breaking spiritual ADD, blocking out distracting voices, fixing my eyes upon Him whom everything rests, and finding the contentment of a child therein.

Because E. Barrett Browning says it Best

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways 
I love thee with a quiet solitude
To not deter a greater Love pursued
A silence I will keep for all my days
I love thee to the height of sacrifice
And unrequited love the painful price
Most joyfully I pay, as it outweighs
That tomb of selfish safety – what a wraith
I love thee freely, with no thought to hold 
I love thee purely, childlike in faith 
I love thee with a fearsome strength untold
With hope that when I give my final breath 
I shall but love thee better after death

Choose Joy

The desert and the parched land will be glad

the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.

Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.

Isaiah 35: 1-2

 

 

 

Greetings Beloved!

I adore Spring. Even though Fall is ultimately my favorite season, Spring is probably the season that keeps me alive. I think everyone in Michigan struggles with seasonal affective disorder whether they realize it or not. However, I wouldn't trade winter for anything; for it is in the darkness that we see the light. The darker the winter is - the greater joy we have in spring. Seasons remind me that God sometimes guides us into a wilderness as He did with the Israelites.... AND that the wilderness is only temporary. The thing about dark times, it that time tends to move like molasses. Even if you manage to keep hope that there will be an end, you can go crazy waiting for that end. That's why joy and gratitude are so essential in a Christian's life. They are what give light to a broken and cynical world.

Yet, how do we cultivate a joyful life in dark times?

1) Practice rememberance: In Psalm 42:6, David declares "My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you." This is an incredibly insightful and encouraging soundbyte from God. In the first place, it reveals that there will be times when we will be downcast even disturbed! In the second place, it shows us one simple thing to do: Remember God. In the previous verse (4), David recalls going unto the house of the Lord with shouts of joy. It is helpful to remember the constancy of the Lord and to call upon his name - to arouse his power. God encourages us to interact with him in the dark and remembrance strengthens are ability to hear his voice of light amidst the dark.

2) Give thanks in all circumstances: Find the rose growing up through the pavement. Look for the glitter among the broken glass. Use the step above to remember the faithfulness and goodness of the Lord in the past and give thanks for that. If you sit and wallow in the current things that have gone wrong or throw a pity party - you will not be able to hear the voice of hope. When you give thanks, you open your heart to the truth of the Lord which will give you the endurance to keep going on. That is how you run with wings like the eagle.

May you be glad and rejoice in this day that the Lord has made no matter what circumstance you are facing! His love is better than life.

Spiritual Combat

Facing Down the Dragons/Demons

When you battle with depression, it can really feel like this. Even when the sun is shining, the smallest thing can dredge up a dragon. Sometimes you are literally battling for your life. My own mother says I'm overdramatic, but I can tell you... the devil has it out for you. Now you can believe the people who say you're being overdramatic and throw a pity party or you can fight. I prefer fighting myself... but then I'm an action kinda girl. Here's my advice on prepping for hand-to-hand combat with a demon.

Train hard. You will not survive if you don't practice. So...

1. Hydrate - Pray at all times, in all seasons, constantly. All it means is stay in contact with God. Wake listening for him. Yell at him. Ask him questions. Praise him. The Holy Spirit will flow into you.
2. Exercise is key. It provides time for the Holy Spirit to speak to you, provides endorphins to protect your emotional state, gets you out of doors in fresh air, and keeps you in physical condition .
3. Sharpen your sword - I don't care what you read, how much you read, whether you understand what you read... if you don't keep it... what use is a blunt sword for killing a dragon/demon?
4. Use your armor. Get that belt of truth on... don't let Satan get the drop on embarressment, shame, or guilt through his lies. Put up that shield of faith. There is nothing that can get to you but what God allows... and what God allows He will provide you the strength to cut down (provided you remembered to sharpen your sword... see 3). Guard your heart with rightness.
5. In all things love.